We’re expecting a baby!
I’m really happy to tell you all we’re expecting a baby in October! I’m going to be a dad. It’s such a crazy, absurd thing, but I can say that I’m really excited. I don’t even know what to say or why I feel that way. I mean, I love the idea of watching them grow to become their own people, with their own unique quirks, ideas, and values. I can’t wait to see who he or she will become. In a way, everything just makes sense and feels right.
I didn’t always want to be a dad. I was never against the idea. I just doubted my own skills. Could I really be a dad? Was I capable of fatherhood? I often felt insecure. I was barely able to manage my own finances - how could I handle the expenses of a child? I didn’t feel secure in my career - doesn’t a dad need to have a steady, well-paid job in some kind of important line of business?
And most importantly, could I hold a baby in my arms? What if I dropped him or her? I think most of these fears were invisible. I didn’t vocalize them. I didn’t think them out loud. I didn’t even know I had them; they were like an unfinished sentence in the back of my head. Instead of confronting them or questioning these ideas, I just avoided them. I went years just trying not to think about it because I was scared of those thoughts. I wonder if many men experience the same? When there’s an uncomfortable emotion inside of you, just bottling it up and pretending it isn’t there, and focusing on what you know or can understand logically.
I think a lot of people bullshit a lot when it comes to the idea of why they choose to or don’t choose to have parents. Don’t get too stuck in your “rational process” when making future decisions. Reason and logic are great for analyzing the past, not for what will be true in the future. There is just not enough evidence to support a logical process when it comes to the future. You’ll have to use your feelings and intuition to navigate these bigger life decisions.
Do you have any “silent” unconscious doubts that are holding you back from pursuing a important life decision? What are these doubts and are they really true or fair?
The questions that come up when you realize you’re going to be a parent
Do you have what it takes to be a father or a mother? What does it mean to have “what it takes”? And what does it mean to identify as a parent? I think we can all remember ourselves as irresponsible children, teenagers, or adults just moved out of the house, barely able to cook or clean. We can remember our most embarrassing moments. Can we make peace with the fact that somebody like that could grow into a responsible parent? I think about how some of my friends might feel, people who knew me back in politics, or back in school, and I think, perhaps they’d be surprised, or find it strange to imagine me as a parent. But regardless of that, I think they’d be happy. I think it surprises us to see our old friends become parents, most of all because it serves as a reminder to ourselves of who we could potentially become.
Growing up, we all start as somebody’s son or daughter. We are in the shadow of the mom or dad we grew up with; without them, we would never have had the chance to know what it is like to be a mom or a dad, and without them, we would never have existed in the first place. In that way, becoming a dad feels like passing the torch, giving someone else the opportunity to experience the happiness and joys that my parents gave me.
But what is it that happens that makes it so that we can go from being somebody’s child to having children of our own? How does being a father or mother become our identity when it didn’t used to be?
Fatherhood and motherhood are evolving processes
I’m not a dad yet, just a dad-to-be, giving me time to settle into the role, to reflect on what I want from being a father, what my hopes are, what my fears are. Throughout this nine-month process. I’ll be attending courses, reading books, and watching movies and documentaries, and every time I see somebody who is pregnant, or who is carrying a stroller, I’ll see myself in their shoes, in the future, and I’ll be asking myself what it will mean for me, for my life, and for my unborn children, to grow up with me as their dad. I’ll be setting ideals and expectations. In many ways, finding out Nina is pregnant has changed a lot about how I look at my life, my future, and myself as a person. In a way, it’s like a missing puzzle piece has been found, and now, my puzzle feels a little more complete.
What is the ideal father like? What is the best way to raise a child? What kind of home and environment will our children need? Some of these questions can’t be answered until our child is born. They’re going to have a will of their own. Their own opinions, passions, and hobbies. I’ve said it many times before in my blog posts, children are not “blank pieces of paper” to be written by us. They come with their own stories and missions here on earth. We may inspire them, but we can’t live for them.
I’ll also be developing a new morality. I’ll be asking myself many questions about what is right and wrong when it comes to raising children. I will form a set of prejudices and preconceived notions that I will undoubtedly have to challenge once our child is here. Reality meets expectation. What is right and wrong, not just in theory, but in practice?
The process of becoming a father might not even start the moment the child is born. It might evolve over the course of fatherhood, with every year bringing new challenges, wisdom, and decisions. This is so interesting to me, because we often think of identity as a black-and-white thing, like, either you’re an introvert, or you’re not, either you’re a man or a woman, or you’re a dad, or you’re not, but that is not how it feels; there are layers and levels to it. Identity is like putting on a pair of oversized shoes and watching yourself slowly grow into them.
“Identity is like putting on a pair of oversized shoes and watching yourself slowly grow into them.“
I think I need to challenge myself to keep my eyes open
It took me several years to slowly open to the idea of having children, and only last year did I finally commit to the process and possibility. There was a time when I was in a kind of “transitory period” in which I had decided I wanted to be a dad at some point in my life, but that time was “later” in the future. But there was also a time when I told myself: What are you waiting for?
As I grew older, I became more skeptical of modern notions of parenthood. I think many believe that parenthood is something that should happen in your 30s, when you’ve got a steady home, job, and life. I think today I’m more of the view that parenthood should be a possibility as early as possible, with society moving to support people who become young parents. We can build our careers before or after children, and children should not be seen as an alternative to having one.
Even if you think you’re a traditional person who believes mothers should stay home with their children, you will have to reconcile with the fact that even if they do, at some point, your children are going to leave your house, and your life is going to move on. I think the idea we have to get rid of is the idea that life should happen in a specific order. I think it can happen in any order you want. But it gets harder and harder with every year… So you probably don’t want to wait too long. If you’re still thinking later, ask yourself: What will have changed a year from now? Will things really be so different?
Most importantly, recognize that parenthood is a temporary commitment. In a way, you’ll always be a parent, even when your children are grown-up adults with their own children, but active parenthood is going to be a temporary part of your life, and there will also be a time when maybe you’re even a grandparent. To me, that thought feels as foreign as the idea of being a parent when I was still just a child. But time flies. And hopefully, we’re going to live long, healthy lives. I hear many people talk about parenthood like it’s the end of their life, when really, it’s somewhere in the beginning of it - most people have children in their late 20s, and grow to be older than 65. So you’ve got a long way to go.
I want to most importantly challenge myself to go into this process with open eyes, a willingness to challenge any preconceived ideas I might have, a willingness to reflect, and reconsider, and learn from the experience, understanding I’m not going to start out a perfect parent, and that every stage of my child’s growth is going to be an unexpected surprise. I’m going to have to grow into these shoes.
Just like my children will have to grow into theirs. And most of all, I should know by now that any “limitations” I feel are imagined. I have all the potential in the world to grow into who I am meant to be. If you ever catch me saying “I could never do that!” - stop me. Remind me how many times I’ve been wrong in the past. Truly, we can do anything we set our minds to. We just have to take a leap of faith!
